The A-Z of Becoming a Parent

A is for adult conversation

Unless you want to burn a hole in your other half’s eardrums when they get home in the evening, find a way to get out of the house and meet other adults you can talk to. Babies are cute, but are very poor conversationalists.

B is for bathing

The baby does not need a bath everyday so don’t feel like you have to give it one. In fact, you probably don’t need to bathe everyday either so if you don’t make it to the shower, cut yourself some slack.

C is for cleaning

I advise lowering your standards, lowering them a bit more, a bit more, then giving up entirely.

D is for danger

When you first have a tiny, delicate, easily breakable baby it will seem like there is danger everywhere. Rest assured that, with subsequent babies, your idea of what constitutes danger will change dramatically.

E is for eBay 

In a desperate attempt to solve whatever problem your baby has, be it sleeping, feeding or crying, you will order every available product to try and resolve it. None will work but each time you’ll convince yourself they are the holy grail and will feel better for the 2-5 business days they take to deliver.

F is for family

You will likely develop a new found appreciation for yours after having a baby, both because you realise what they sacrificed for you and because if you’re really lucky, they might give you a break for a few hours.

G is for Gin

It used to be known as “Mother’s Ruin” but I’m rechristening it “Mother’s saviour”.

H is for hot

Did you know that night sweats aren’t just for the menopause? During pregnancy your body carries a lot more fluids than usual and post natal night sweats is one way of getting rid of it. Just when more sleep problems are exactly what we need.

I is for internet 

Parenthood means spending many hours looking up things related to your child’s health. These include, but are not limited to: why is my baby’s poo green/black/red with yellow polka dots? Is it normal for babies to vomit all the time? And how do you get rid of threadworms?

J is for juvenile delinquent

This is how you will refer to your child during the “terrible twos” and the “threenager” years.

K is for Kip

You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. You’ve taken it for granted your whole life but once you become a parent, you won’t be able to think of much else. Lie ins will be something you look back on with fond memories.

L is for lying

Kids do this. Yours will do it. It’s surprisingly painful the first time but try not to take it personally.

M is for maternal mental health

Look after yours. If you’re struggling talk to someone. No will take your baby away, no matter how much you’re struggling.

N is for no

Highly likely to be your child’s first word and one you will be very soon sick of hearing.

O is for Octonauts

The Octonauts is just one of the many programmes on Cbeebies which you will develop a love hate relationship with. You will loathe the fact that you have seen every episode 76 times along with the fact that your house is full of themed merchandise but on the other hand, you will be forever grateful to Bing et al for letting you take a shower in peace.

P is for Poonami

A word you’ve probably not used much in life until now but will soon be a regular part of your vocabulary.

Q is for quiet

Sorry, shouldn’t have included that, you won’t be getting it anymore.

R is for remembering

You will start a baby book in the peaceful gap between stopping work and the baby arriving. You’ll put in your scan photos and write down your feelings about the upcoming birth. After the baby comes you’ll guiltily scribble down a few lines of sleep deprived nonsense and not look at it again until the baby’s first birthday.

S is for singing

Whether you were keen on singing before you had a baby or not, you’ll find yourself singing now. Nursery rhymes are a big part of life for the under 5s, they are also pretty weird. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself googling the provenance of “Wind the Bobbin up”.

T is for tantrum

Ahh, the rage one small human can express without words would be quite an incredible sight, if you weren’t the one expected to fix it.

U is for untimely

You will now be late for everything. 

V is for vanity

Whether you took care of your appearance before or just about managed to drag a brush through your hair, things will change when you have a baby. Days when you manage to shower before lunchtime will be considered a success. Your baby on the other hand will have an extensive wardrobe and beautifully done hair.

W is for World

They will be your world from the minute they are born. Despite being terrified, horrified, disgusted, exhausted and possibly just mind numbingly bored, it will somehow all be worth it.

X is for X Ray

Accidents happen. You will visit A&E at some point to wait (probably for hours) for an X Ray to check for broken bones. Surprisingly, this is most likely to be the result of a visit to a so called “soft” play.

Y is for You

It’s easy to become so lost in motherhood that you forget the “You” who existed before. Try to find a little bit of time to do something you love, even if it’s just 5 minutes reading a book or taking a bath.

Z is for Zealot

You will meet some parenting zealots along the way who will make you feel like you are doing it all wrong. Your feeding choices are often the centre of this, whether you choose to breastfeed, bottle feed or combination feed. Take absolutely no notice. There is more than one way to doings things and that’s fine.

If you fancy reading some more thoughts about early parenthood why not check out “What it’s like to have a Big Baby” and “Becoming a Mum”

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